A new beginning

It's been crazy long since I've last blogged about anything.

Just cleaning off a little dust from this blog and doing a small promise to myself. It's time for me to work my way back to proper mental and physical health. I hereby declare here that I will do my best to reach that goal.

- Chewy

Irresolution

My head's in a mess. I don't know if I should push on or let go. Sigh. It's always like that, the harder I grasp onto something, the easier it slips away. I'm exhausted and I'm tired. On the verge of breaking down but trying to hold it in desperately.

I can't emphasize enough on how tired I am. I'm so sick of initiating conversations and questions and getting one word replies. Hey, if that is how it is, then I'm going to stop trying. In fact, I will. You probably have no idea how much it pains me to shamelessly try to keep our conversation alive. There's only so much I could take before I stop trying. Idk, maybe I'm paranoid..

I guess it's always the unknown that scares people. I need security, I need to feel secure, even without you by my side. Would it really hurt to show a bit more interest in me? I can't breathe...I'm going to suffocate.

-chewy

Angst

I hate how I always fall in love with people, who I know, would not be able to return me with mutual affections. It's just so depressing to see myself struggle to contain and prevent my emotions from dictating my actions. Which is why, I run. I run away from all of them.

I'm a coward. I'm not brave enough to handle this. I'm not strong enough to stand beside them and smile for them. But don't get me wrong, once I finally let go, there's no return, or at least I will stop myself from making it happen.


No where is safe anymore. My once thought 'safe' blog at the other side is easily accessed by people, and the same so for my other social webpages, all of them are exposed. Geez, this is so scary. I don't mean to sound like a whiny prick but, heck, zzz.

-chewy

Replies

Sick of all these. Sick of one word replies, sick of arseholes who looks down on me. Sick of people who humiliates me with sarcasm. Sick of people who make fun of me. Sick of people who carries high ego. Haiz...oh well, it's not up to me to complain after being so paranoid and rude. You know what? I sometimes feel like just closing down all my social networks and communications with everyone. It's so irritatingly sick. Everyone's wearing a mask, everyone's just so plain fake. It makes me want to puke.

-chewy

I hate arguments

I can't express the level of hatred I have for arguments. I realised that I fear arguments more than anything else and that I attempt to avoid or run away from reality when they are imminent. Why am I so weak? Why am I egoistical? Why do I have such low self esteem? Why do all these shit happen to me in a row? Haiz. I'm suddenly adopting this really negative mind set. I don't feel like meeting with people, everyone seemed so dangerous. The person who is the closest to you can just hit you real hard at your back and there are just so many underlined sarcasm and insults. They act like your friend and hurl insults, that's the real problem. If you have anything that you don't like me to do, tell me in my face. Don't hint it.


-Chewy

False hopes

Comfort? Warmth? Care? Help? What was I expecting?


I can't hold it in, please. Go away, don't come near me, before I lose myself. Again. I knew what was coming, words can't fool me, lies and deceptions, filthy manipulations. People are too self centered to care about what's happening to you, no matter how bad it is. They can't be bothered when they have their own troubles and problems. They'd just tell you, it's okay, it's fine. My arse, those are lip service to make themselves seem nice. Nothing more than self gratification. Good night kaze, it's the stage time for kage.


-kage

Warcraft, dota match.

I am, currently, very irritated. Well why? I had a match with one of my module mate, and apparently in the game, his friend xia lan me. Seriously, I don't know, I'm quite pissed. Okay, true, when there are wins, there will be losses. But, I hate it man. I hate to lose, I hate getting looked down upon. I hate not being able to show myself at it's best every single time.


Am irritated, not at anyone else, but at myself.
-Chewy.

Genting.

The trip to Genting was overall horrible. The ticket to the theme park was expensive and many rides were either under maintenance or we are required to pay extra money. Geez, how screwed is that? Okay, if the ride was awesome and clean and all, it's worth it. BUT the thing is, it's freaking dirty, they didn't even sanitize it, freaking smelly can. I've totally no idea how many years they've not cleaned it. Zzzz...yeah, resulting in me having rashes on my skin.

Opinions that I shouldn't care.

Recently, I've found out what people have been talking about my back. I just found out recently only, seriously, I never knew that such things spread like wildfire, totally like wildfire.

But I don't know why, even though I feel so lonely, but the warmness and support my older brother gave me, made me feel like crying. I had enough of this.


-Chewy.

21st of May. What ended wasn't the world, it's my world.

I guess the title pretty much explains itself, lol. But haha, the end is pretty much the beginning.


I won't look, I won't hide, I will just head into the darkness, following the moon's illumination.